Unless you are new to following me, you know I had a birthday last week and I turned 42. Overall being in my forties has been good. I have learned a lot. I have grown and mostly I am enjoying life more than I have in a long time.
42nd Birthday!
However, with all that turning 42 has been hard. Real hard. It may sound crazy, but 42 is different from 40 to 41. At 41 I still felt that having kids and getting married was possible, but for some reason 42 makes it seem unrealistic.
Forty-two to me just sounds old. Not old in the sense that my life is over, but old as in still considering having a child or finding my Mr. Right is crazy. These darn dating sites are not helping!
I am really having a moment. Not a woe is me, I am going to get under the covers and eat cupcakes all day moment but sadness. Sadness that I may never get what I have wanted for as long as I can remember and accepting that is HARD.
Before you say it, I know more women are having babies and finding love in their forties, but part of me cannot see that. I see 42 as the end of my dream.
One of the things I have worked on in this journey is to be more positive, have more faith and hope, but for some reason now, I cannot find any of that.
One of the reasons 42 is hard for me is because I battle with what is too old to have a baby. I am very blessed to be this age and still have both of my parents, but my fear is having a baby when you are older how much time will that child have with me?
I will go ahead, play devil’s advocate for you, and say I know that God takes care of all of His children so if He sees fit for this to happen for me He will make a way.
The other reason it is hard for me is that as I get older the men in my dating pool get older. Many older men do not want kids. A lot already have grown kid(s) or almost grown kid(s) and are not looking to start over so that makes the dating pool smaller than it already is. Argh!
I also know that Forty-two is fresh. It has not even been two weeks yet, so this too shall pass, but now at this moment, I’m sad but it’s okay.
One of the things I told myself when I began this journey is that I would allow myself to have these feelings, but I would not live in them (I used to live in them). So, for now, I am sad, but I will work my way out of it soon. Until then say a prayer for me.
Signed,
CC